Words Unspoken Are Better Left Unsaid
by The Nerdfighter
Summary: All Leo wanted was for Raph to speak his mind; to open up, let it out, and tell him what he really thought. Too bad what Leo doesn't realize is that some unspoken words are better left unsaid... Takes place after the events of "The Wrath of Tiger Claw". Microscopic Leo/Raph slash. Rated T for Raph's foul language.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is just an idea I've been mulling around since the premiere "The Wrath of Tiger Claw" last Sunday. I really like the whole concept of Raph being the only Turtle that still doesn't fully trust Karai no matter what she does and how he goes out of his way to try to prove this to Leo who, of course, does everything in his power to try to prove his brother wrong. Not only that, but I've been really itching to write a Leo/Raph story, so this is a great way to get some practice in.

This MAY or MAY NOT turn into a chapter fic. It all depends on how well this story fairs with you readers. There isn't anything graphic or overly sexual in this fic - just some subtle hints thrown toward the end. Just to be clear, this is meant to be a slash fic and will progress into a more obvious slash fic if I decide to continue with this story. Right now, it's just an angst-ridding one-shot that I hope you all will enjoy. And if you don't like slash, then you don't necessarily have to see it that way. Just play with your imagination a little bit. :)

Reviews, comments, and pointers are always welcome! Let me know how this story fairs since I'm working with my two favorite Turtles here. lol Read on, readers and enjoy the fic. :)

* * *

It was the unsettling whimpers that made Raphael tighten his fingers around his arms in a vice-like grip.

The sound of Mikey's pain reverberated from the infirmary down to the end of the hall where he stood, his shoulder pressed up against the wall in a lackadaisical manner as he tried not to pay too much attention to the sound of his brother's discomfort. Teeth ground tight and muscles coiled with aggravated tautness, he tried to no avail to quell his fueling anger, his tired eyes forcibly resting on Casey Jones lying lifelessly on the couch while April hovered over him with a damp washcloth and some bandages; tending to his wounds. It had been hours since their encounter with Tiger Claw and Raphael noticed Jones was still having a little bit of trouble getting some rest – the painkillers April was shoving down his throat doing little to nothing to ease the throbbing pain. Though he wasn't really the nurturing type, Raph offered to be of some assistance with anything April or Casey needed, but with every sound that passed through Mikey's bruised, battered mouth, Raphael couldn't help but freeze and fold his arms tighter against his plastron, the sound of his younger brother's clipped cries leaving an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Absentmindedly, he rested a hand over the lower part of his plastron, fingers numb from gripping his arms, yet they trembled anxiously without Raphael even noticing.

_This all could've been prevented, _he curled his fingers into a shaky, tight fist._ This all would've never happened if it wasn't for … for…. _

Allowing his thoughts to wander, Raphael stiffened at the sound of footsteps coming his way, his head lifted just an inch; eyes locked onto his eldest brother. Though he carried himself with caution, Raphael could still detect a hint of vulnerability in Leonardo's gloomy, remorseful eyes, his shoulders hunched just a tad and his head lowered, but not enough to mess up his posture. In a way, it ticked Raphael off. Not even the element of death hanging over their youngest brother's shoulders was enough to shove Leo off his damn high horse? Who the hell did he think he was?

"How's he doing?" Leo asked, the tone of his voice held just above a whisper.

"Dunno. Donnie won't let me in until he comes out," Raphael answered, his gaze locked strictly on Leonardo as he folded his arms across his chest, pressing himself harder against the cold, cobblestoned wall. "Screams are dying down a bit if that's any indication."

"Oh. Well…" He didn't exactly know how to respond with that, his hands fidgeting as he shifted from foot to foot. Inwardly, Raphael smiled at his brother's discomfort. "Hopefully Donnie will be able to patch him back up. Nothing ever seems to knock Mikey down for good so I'm sure he'll bounce back real soon."

"Yeah? And what're you gonna do when that happens? Send us all back to the fields again so we can get our shells handed to us?" Raphael snarled, pushing himself away from the wall to get into Leo's face. "You saw how bad Tiger Claw messed Mikey up and what did you wanna do? Your happy ass wanted to go after Karai, your little princess of destruction. If it wasn't for me, Mikey would be wallowing in a puddle of his own blood right about now."

Leonardo took a step back from his brother, his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. "What are you trying to say, Raph? That this is all my fault?"

The corners of Raph's mouth tugged into a highly amused grin. "Well, whaddya know? Fearless Leader's actually thinking with his head instead of his dick. Turtles first, right Leo? Bullshit."

"How can you say that?" Leo yelled, this time taking a step toward Raphael to get into his face. "How can you stand there and call me out on all of this when all I was trying to do was reunite Master Splinter with the daughter he thought he lost all those years ago? I was bringing Karai to our side. I was giving her a chance to unleash all that potential she poses. All the good she carries inside of her."

"Oh my God," Raphael groaned, throwing his head back before shooting his arms up in frustration. "You're not seeing the big picture, Leo! Karai is evil. She was _raised _by the Shredder and was fed lies throughout her childhood. Whatever 'good' she carries inside of her got squashed by her precious Daddy Dearest a long time ago. Face facts, Leo. Once an enemy, always an enemy."

"No, you're wrong about her!" Leo yelled, but Raphael wanted nothing more to do with this conversation, shaking his head and turning his back on Leo before he retreated down the hall to his room. With clenched fingers, Leonardo followed right behind him. "You just need to give her a chance."

"Ohoho, really?" Raphael chuckled derisively. He was only a few steps away from his room before he spun around on his heels and jabbed an accusing finger at Leonardo's plastron, the exasperated forcefulness of it making the katana-wielder grind his teeth and snarl. "You've given her enough chances, Leo. We all have, including me back at the docks. She's proven multiple times that she's not interested in turning over a new leaf, but the second you sense even an _ounce _of compassion, it's like your common sense just flies out the window. Bringing her back to the Lair? Are you kidding me?!"

"Raph—"

"No! I'm done with this conversation, Leo. You can go back to the living room with the others and pretend you give a shit about Mikey's injuries or go out and rescue your little Princess of the Foot. I don't care. Just get out of my sight and leave me alone!"

"_Raph_!" Leo yelled, forcing his body in between the crack in the doorway before Raphael had a chance to slam it shut. The edge of the door banged right against Leo's shell, pushing the front of his body against the entranceway and nearly knocking his chin against the solid edge, pain bolting throughout his body.

Anger boiling, Raphael clenched his fists and ordered Leo to get out of his room, the leader doing nothing but letting his brother's words go through one ear and out the other. Stepping inside, he closed the door behind him in a calm and composed manner, making sure he and his brother did nothing more to cause a scene and get others involved in their disagreement. Right now, it was just between him and Raph and no matter how they decided to settle this – if they even settled this at all – Leo wanted no third party stepping in on their argument and causing them to separate. They needed to resolve things here and now and that's what Leo was intended to do. Even if it took all night and carried on to the next morning.

He could wait.

Silence settled and the darkness of Raph's room draped over the two brothers in a blanket of overwhelming tension, the faint glow of Raphael's Halloween pumpkin decoration outlining the ridges of each of their stiff muscles. For a moment, neither of them said anything, each staring darkly into the others' temper-infused eyes, a smoldering fire igniting the pigments of forest green and ocean blue. Neither one of them moved even an inch, but when Leo allowed the strain in his shoulders to retract and relax, Raphael immediately opened fire and let his brother have it with what was running through his mind.

"How many times does she have to betray you before you finally decide to throw in the towel?" It was clearly a question, but Raphael wasn't looking for an answer as he continued to speak, not even giving Leo anytime to come up with a response. "She's Master Splinter's daughter, Leo, I understand that. Technically, she's family and with the way we are and how we look, family's pretty much all we can rely on. Before we met April, before we met Casey, we couldn't trust anybody we met up in the surface—"

"But we did, and look what came out of it," Leonardo interrupted, referring to the only human friends him and his brothers had. "We gave them a chance, Raph, just like I gave Karai a chance. It's different with her _because_ of the background she has. Falling under the tutelage of the Shredder – being lied to her entire life – she's not just going to come at us with open arms over night. These things take time…"

"Yeah? And how much 'time' do you think it'll take before she turns around and stabs us in the back again, huh?" Raphael asked, his arms crossed over his plastron in a defiant manner, the orange glow igniting the fire that was still burning deep within his evergreen irises.

Staring hopefully back into his younger brother's face, Leonardo tried with as much fortitude as he could muster to not appear beaten, letting Raph's words wash over him like the calming waves before the storm. But even in the darkness, Raph could still detect the effect his words had on his older brother, making him appear vulnerable, even just for a moment. He couldn't give in though. Not like this. Whatever it took, Leo had to understand…

Unfolding his arms, Raphael took one more step toward his brother and raised his hand just a tad, as if he had intentions of resting it atop of one of Leo's shoulders. At the last second, however, he quickly drew it back and rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture, his gaze turned away so that he wasn't looking directly into Leo's eyes.

"Leo, look … biological or not, Karai is the daughter of our sworn enemy – the same man who intended to kill our sensei, _our father_! If you can't understand why I _don't _want her to become a part of this family, then…" He shook his head slowly, eyes searching for any hint or clue that would make him understand, make him realize what it was Leo saw in Karai that kept him interested – kept him determined to go crawling back to her every chance she screwed things up or left him heartbroken. He couldn't fathom why anyone would submit themselves to this kind of torture and as he stood there, staring into Leo's soft, overwhelmingly incomprehensible eyes, Raphael couldn't help but curl his fingers into tight, shaky, frustrated fists.

"Is that what this is really about?" Leonardo asked, the placating tenor of his voice causing the Sai-wielder to look up, staring straight into his older brother's still, composed face. "You're afraid of Karai coming into our family? But why?"

Raphael couldn't help but produce a loud, impolite snort. "Ain't you been listening to all the stuff I said earlier? I don't trust her. After all she's done—"

"But not everything she's done has been bad, Raphael." Leo barked, causing his younger brother to flinch at the emphasis of his full name, the tension in his shoulders growing rigid. "She offered to provide us with weaponry from her father to use against the Kraang. She spared Master Splinter's life before he was taken out by the hands of the Shredder. Now that she fully understands the truth about her real father, she turned against everything she believed in just so that she could protect us. Why, after all of that, do you still not trust her?"

"I just … don't," Raphael answered lamely, earning a stern glower from his blue-masked brother, the look pushing Raphael to glare and snarl right back. "Don't give me that look."

"Why don't you trust her, Raph? Tell me," Leonardo demanded, closing the distance between Raphael and himself, his gaze never faltering whereas Raph did everything he could to look anyone other than Leo's glowering stare. "Please, Raphael…"

"Leo, don't…"

"I just want to know—"

"I already told you."

"That's not the reason and you know it, Raph," Leo said with a glare. "I can see it in your eyes – your posture. Why don't you trust her, Raph? Tell me and I promise I'll drop this entire thing."

"You're full of shit."

"No, you're the one who's full of shit!" Leonardo shouted, his face now only inches away from Raphael's surprised, stunned expression; his mouth hanging open just a tad before he pursed his lips and took a cautious step back. Though he was usually seen as the tougher, stronger turtle who never backed down without a fight, Raphael felt an overwhelming pressure emanate from Leo's taller, firm-standing body; from the top of his head to the tips of his twitching, anxious fingers. In a situation such as this, he had absolutely no idea what to do, feeling as though he were being backed into a corner, his heart ramming viciously against his chest from the close proximity between him and his brother.

He couldn't speak, for his mouth was entirely too dry to utter a single word. Couldn't breathe, because the claustrophobic space between him and Leo was all too suffocating. Couldn't think, because the look Leonardo was shooting his way – a dark, unwavering glower of imperturbable exasperation – was burning through his wide, agitated eyes and scrambling his brain from any cohesive thoughts.

Raphael spit out not a single word, so Leo did all of the talking for him.

"Are you afraid she'll hurt me?" Leonardo asked, his tone rising just above a whisper; a question Raphael wasn't even sure he heard correctly despite them being at such a close distance from one another. With a small intake of breath, Raphael clenched his teeth and turned away from his brother, an action that caused Leonardo to take one small step back, his gaze never faltering, though his stance wavered in response. Head lowered toward the ground, unsure of what to say, Leo quickly looked back up, unsure of why his brother was trying so desperately not to look him in the eyes. "Is that why you don't trust her, Raph?"

"I-I…" He paused, his eyes flitting back and forth across Leo's concerned, yet gentle face, the sporadic acceleration of his heart going into overdrive. "…I gotta go check on Mikey—"

"Raph, wait!" Leo stood in front of him, acting as a barrier before his red-masked brother got the chance to brush past him and walk away, his arms stretched out to make it more difficult. He stared hard at Raphael trapped before him, his eyes trailing over every feature, every mark on his perspiring, nervous face. He wasn't sure why such a topic would make Raphael so uncomfortable, but he could sense it diffusing strongly from the way his younger brother's limbs shook in such a rigid fashion.

It pained Leo to see the strongest of his brother's in such a vulnerable state such as this. But he had to know. Had to understand…

"Raph, I … I can handle my own in a fight. You know that, right?"

"That's not what I'm afraid of, Leo," Raphael spoke, flicking his eyes up at his brother before staring back down at the ground beneath them.

Leo tilted his head ever so slightly, trying to get Raphael to look at him dead in the eyes. "Then what are you afraid of, Raph?"

"Shit, I'm … you know I ain't good at stuff like this, Leo," his younger brother stuttered, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, his eyes still focused on the ground instead of at his brother's face.

"Then let me help you, Raph," Leo urged desperately.

"You just don't get it," Raphael growled, pushing past Leo with enough brute force to bruise his shoulder, his steps rushed and terrified as he reached out for the door handle.

"Then help me understand!" Leonardo shouted, causing his brother to stop where he stood, his fingers merely ghosting over the door handle. "For once, just … just let those shields down, Raph and _talk _to me! Help me understand what is it that you're feeling – what you're thinking. I want you to open up, even just for this moment. Here and now. Please, Raphael. Let me inside your head…"

"I just don't want her to play games with you!" Raphael shouted, catching his blue-masked brother completely off guard by the sudden rise of his voice. "It's bad enough seeing April mess around with Donnie all the damn time. Flirting with him, giving him all these mixed feelings so the poor guy doesn't know what the hell to feel. You're in too deep, Leo. Karai's already got you wrapped around her tiny little finger, but you're too love struck to even realize what the hell's going on. Not only that, but technically she's our sister. Our goddamn _sister_, Leo! Do you know how _wrong _that is? How sick and twisted and … just…"

For the first time that night, Leo actually got a glimmer of what he thought were Raphael's true feelings, that sudden spark flashing through his emerald green eyes that was instantly gone the second it popped up. At first, he spoke nothing of it, still quite unsure of whether he truly saw something or not. But when he looked – really looked into his brother's frightened, panic-stricken face – Leo knew that what he saw clearly wasn't an illusion and that thought alone made his body freeze at an immediate standstill, his mouth hung open, unsure of what to think.

"You're … you're not talking about Karai … are you?"

He opened his mouth to speak, intent on throwing a rebuttal back at his older brother, but the words immediately evaporated from Raphael's tongue, causing him to freeze, his hand still hovering over the door handle with trembling fingers.

Unsure of what to say, he lowered his head and shut his eyes tight, opening the door with such force, the gust of wind was strong enough to brush back the tails of Leonardo's bandana. He stood his ground, unsure if he could even move as he watched his younger brother duck out of his room, eager to get out of the tension-fueled quarters before muttering something under his breath.

"Like I said ... you wouldn't understand…."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note****: **Holy hell, this took a while to write. Sorry, guys, I just had some major insecurities with this chapter because I wanted it to be absolutely _perfect_. It's gone through many, many, MANY revisions and I wanna give a shout out to **Lexifer666** for looking it over and giving me some helpful tips and pointers and an even BIGGER shout out to **Novus Ordo Seclorum**, who was an absolute doll and offered to beta this chapter to put my mind a little at ease. You guys rock and thank you so much for listening to my moaning and groaning and offering to help. I greatly appreciate it! *hugs for you both*

In all honesty, I never thought this story would do as well as it's doing so far and that both excites and terrifies me. D: I've always wanted to write a Leo/Raph fic, but now that I've got a rep to keep up with this story, I'm really going to have to crack down and make sure everything I write is polished to perfection! Hopefully I can handle it. Eek! We'll see!

Alright, like I do with all of my stories, I want to give a shout out to everyone who reviewed. Thank you so much: **MerlinStar**, **leo0256**, **Kerrigas**, **TheEquestrai****nidiot 2.0**, **BubblyShell22**, **Hiveen**, **WhoAmI659**, **kiraynn**, **D.R.A.W**, **Lexifer666**, and **Novus Ordo Seclorum**. The fact that a good majority of you aren't fond of t-cest, but were willing to look past that because you really like the first chapter put a huge ol' smile on my face. It means a lot to me and I hope I continue to make you guys proud. :D Like I mentioned before, I won't be springing anything on you guys so suddenly. Since the lot of you aren't fond of t-cest, I'm taking that into consideration and easing you all into it. Baby steps. :)

Okay, I think I've rambled long enough. I hope you enjoy the chapter and feel free to shoot me a review when you're finished!

* * *

_"(Do I wanna know?)_

_If this feeling flows both ways?_  
_(Sad to see you go)_  
_Was sort of hoping that you'd stay_  
_(Baby we both know)_  
_That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day" – _Arctic Monkeys, "Do I Wanna Know"

* * *

There was no better option than to escape into the dead of night.

The brisk, summer winds lingered soothingly against Raphael's face, like a lover's kiss or the trace of a finger, tantalizing him as he swayed fluidly, back and forth. Shrouded beneath the blurred nightlife that was New York City, the atmosphere gradually lulled him into a calm, composed state of mind. He stared up at the poisoned clouds hanging languidly above him, allowing his thoughts to be carried away – if only for a moment.

He rested his arm atop his forehead, letting the other arm dangle precariously over the edge of the hammock; a swaying pendulum frozen in time. It was strange, finding such a thing tied to the clothes hanger poles that were usually set up for the cheaper boarding homes – the ones that normally couldn't afford their own dryers. Raphael knew he always wanted one, but would never have any luck stumbling across a high-quality hammock that someone would be willing to just throw away. Mattresses be damned. He was a turtle of simple pleasures. Even something as little as a hammock could distill his temper and unscramble his thoughts; thoughts that raged like a whirlpool, flooding his mind.

'What was Leo doing?'was the big question of the night. It rang incessantly in his ears and left his head pounding and his stomach uneasy. He was too anxious to form a cohesive thought; instead, question after question, popped into his mind like an explosion of mind-inducing firecrackers.

What was Leo doing? Was he sitting near the turnstiles waiting for him to return home so they could pick up where they left off? Was he still thinking about the argument they had? What he thought about the mission? About Karai? Was he even still awake – lying down, face to the ceiling, trying to figure out the meaning behind those words? Had he noticed the look in his eyes when he detected that glimmer of vulnerability, stunned beyond comparison…?

Did … did he see right through his guise? Was he finally able to put the pieces together and look right through him – through his tough, hard-hitting exterior? All his life, pretending to be someone else, just so Leo would see past his flaws….

"_You're … you're not talking about Karai … are you?" _He could practically hear his brother's voice echo tauntingly inside his head.

"_Like I said … you wouldn't understand…."_

Gritting his teeth in a painful snarl, Raphael rolled off of the hammock and balled his hands into tight fists, knuckles white and popping sickeningly. What the hell was he thinking, allowing himself to slip up like that? Fifteen years spent concealing his inner demons and the moment he accidentally let them loose, Leo was able to pinpoint them without even so much as trying…

Well of course he did. After all, Leo always strove to become Master Splinter's perfect little disciple, sucking up and making him and his brothers look bad with all his vigorous training and extra time spent learning how to quell his imperfections. What the hell gave him the right anyway? Because he was _better _than everyone else? Because he trained better? Fought better? Worked out strategies better?

"Bullshit…" Raphael snorted derisively.

He should have been the leader. Hell, he could've done a way better job than Leo did half of the time! He wouldn't have overlooked Mikey's injuries or demanded they rush over to Karai after Tiger Claw snatched her back. At least he understood Donnie's and Mikey's limitations. He didn't throw them into the fire and expect them to come out unscathed, ready to take on more just at the drop of a hat. No. _Hell _no! That's not the kind of brother he'd _ever _be!

Anger boiling, Raphael allowed a scream to tear free from his throat, gruff and raw. He slammed his fists repeatedly against the brick exit structure of the boarding house, his knuckles bruising and his skin splitting in various, tiny spaces. What the hell could he do? Leo was the leader and he hated every goddamn second of it. He hated it! Hated _him_. Hated the way he carried himself with arrogance and self-importance, like he was so damn _better _than everyone else just because Master Splinter awarded him the title of clan leader. He hated his tactics, the way he threw his weight around and would then get pissy if things didn't turn out the way he planned, even when his strategies were stupid or downright sloppy. Hell, his poor planning was the reason why he and his brothers got hurt half the time! But of course Leo would never have the balls to admit that….

Raphael clenched his teeth out of sheer frustration, fingers curling and uncurling in a poor attempt at trying to compose himself. He just couldn't stand Leo's goddamn _face_. The way he walked. The way he talked. The way he looked down at everyone and treated them like they were nothing but _children_; acting all high and mighty like he was their second parent or something. He was an asshole, demanding he and his brothers all give him respect when he didn't give it in return—didn't even allow them to speak up during combat. He wanted nothing more than to wipe that goddamn smirk off his face—to cock his arm and let his fist sail straight through his teeth.

The dictator.

The goddamn tyrant.

Raphael hated … he hated Leo's goddamn smile, the smug, half-curled smirk of all-knowing wiseacre; a smile that would be directed at him whenever he did something stupid or silly. And whenever he erred, Leo gave him a playfully hard time about it, just to make him laugh or smile in return….

Leo … his brother … his goddamn _brother_….

"_Do you know how wrong that is? How sick and twisted and … just…"_

"Just…"

Raphael's unfinished sentence dangled in the air, like a prisoner bound in chains, never to be mercifully handed the sanctity of freedom. He didn't know what to feel, quite frankly because he didn't _want _to feel anything at all. Unable to cosign his emotions or restrain his inner demons, he gave Leonardo every reason not to trust him – as a combative partner or a brother.

He felt unworthy – unworthy of even being by Leonardo's side – a brother in arms stewing in his own pot of misguided feelings. Now he understood why the military enacted the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. What soldier wanted to have that floating around in the heat of battle? No one wanted their brother – a warrior – fighting alongside them, thinking thoughts that were strictly forbidden … taboo. Something to be swept under the rug because it was too goddamn disrespectful to have out in the open for everyone to hear…. To know…. To judge….

Forbidden fruit. It did nothing but make him want to gag. He buried his face in his palms, feeling the presages of vomit threatening to crawl out of his mouth. He wanted to throw up, but he forced it all down in one vigorous gulp, his insides feeling like a hurricane of restless emotions – emotions Raphael feared would never go away. Not when this was now out in the open. Not when Leo knew of what he was; a monster that could never be tamed. Never be trusted….

He … he felt _sick_, his feelings muddled and stained with dishonor, a slate Raphael would never be able to wipe clean, for they would always be haunting him. Mocking him. A constant reminder of why he was different and couldn't change, no matter how much he wanted to, or how hard he tried….

Shoulders shaking, he tried looking out into the distance, the wash of luminescent colors blinking in a synchronic flow that only the upper part of Manhattan could portray, calming him. At night, the city always looked so beautiful, a metropolis so populated, overflowing with various types of people with different mindsets and views and backgrounds, all mismatched together. It was all so surreal, a blur smeared with vibrant colors that brought sentience and life to such an overcrowded populace. Sure, the subway stations were loud and the gang activity was problematic, especially after he and his brothers made their debut, but the humans they did get to know on a more personal level were nice. Some were even pretty cool, like Casey and April.

Others, however, weren't so welcoming to those deemed outsiders. City dweller or not, Raphael didn't need to learn that lesson topside, having been exposed to it in songs on the radio and documentaries on television about the not-so-accepted. People like him. People born different, with different desires; desires that would incur ire and draw disapproval, whether they were acted on or not. It rattled him. It forced him to shield himself so that no one could see through his guise: a tough as nails, hard-edged ninja that took shit from nobody.

To his family, he was the strongest, willing to do anything to safeguard and protect. He was loyal, strong-spirited, and, even if death was staring him down, ready to attack. He loved his brothers all equally – would live for them _and_ die for them if the situation called for it. He couldn't live without one of them missing in the equation. That is, until the sickness began to form, seeping through his veins like a surge of molten lava, taking over his body. What would they think if they knew the real him? If they knew what he was hiding all these years? What would his father think? What would Mikey and Donnie think?

But worst of all … what would Leo think…?

(-)

The ambiance of the sewers – of obscure shadows and dank, musty air – comforted him. For some, it was a terrifying place to linger for too long, but for Raphael and his brother's, it was home. It greeted them with open arms and provided them security.

Or at least, that's what he liked to believe.

Staring out into the hollow tunnels, the Shellraiser greeted him with its vibrant colors. He could feel the knot in his stomach constrict with every step he took, his hand resting absentmindedly over the lower part of his plastron. He didn't want to do this. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to turn around, to find a dumpster to sleep in for the night and avoid leveraging his self-wroth against his pride. He didn't want to face Leonardo again.

Raphael will willed his body to turn around and never look back, his legs continued forward; his breath hitched nervously until his eyes landed on a still figure leaning casually over the turnstiles.

It was Leonardo – just like he had anticipated. And at that very moment, he didn't know whether to be pissed off that his older brother could be so goddamn predictable, or scared out of his freakin' mind knowing that the second he walked passed, Leo was going to bring up their argument, question why he chose to run rather than stick around, and lecture him about responsibility and maturity. Of course Leonardo would be under assumption that he understood all of the variables. But he wouldn't be able to understand it at all.

Because he couldn't understand.

No one would ever understand….

Swallowing whatever ounce of pride he had left, Raphael dug his fingers into the skin of his palms and walked down the tunnel with his eyes focused straightforward. He could feel his neck muscles stiffening, but he would not allow them the freedom to even twitch in Leo's general direction. He didn't want to acknowledge his presence. After all, that would provoke another conversation. Or worse, another argument. Hell, he'd take shouting and hollering anytime of the _week _over trying to calmly sit down and work out their issues.

But maybe Leo was right. Maybe he didn't have the right to criticize his "tactical retreats" when he was the one who was always running away from his problems. He hated dealing with anything non-confrontational. All he wanted to do was push and shove and punch and kick his problems until they were nothing more than a battered, bloody pulp lying helplessly at his feet. He was domineering – not sensible – because emotions, other than anger, scared the hell out of him. It was far easier to lash out than it was to feel. And where his heart was concerned, it was far better to push people away than let them in. After all, if he risked his heart and it was shattered, there was no telling how much mending or healing it would take before he would be able to trust other people again.

His feeling scared the ever living shit out of him. More than anyone else could ever imagine….

"I was starting to get worried," Leonardo spoke, causing Raphael's shoulders to jerk up and stiffen. "I didn't think you were coming back home tonight."

"Yeah, well…" He reached with one hand and rubbed the back of his neck, working out the kinks and soothing the cramped muscles. "…that makes two of us."

"I saw Mikey a little while after you left. Donnie was able to tend to his wounds in time, but he's been put on bed rest and forbidden to step foot in the dojo for at least a couple of days." He chuckled evenly, pushing himself away from the turnstiles and taking a few steps toward his brother, whose body tensed and tightened. Leonardo, however, barely even noticed. "He didn't seem too upset about that."

"Tch, typical Mikey," Raphael chuckled and glanced over his shoulder. "Did you tell him where I was?"

A slight pause. "I told him you just went out for some fresh air."

"Pfft. And he believed that?"

"…No."

"Didn't think so." His lips curled into a smirk. "You never were good at telling lies, Leo. Just ain't in your nature to even bend the truth a little."

"He asked if we got into another argument. I told him I … I wasn't quite sure. To be honest, I'm still not one hundred percent sure why you even ran off in the first place."

His teeth ground hard. His shoulders rigid with the stress of the situation, but Raphael did everything in his power to keep his emotions under control. "I already told you, Leo. You wouldn't understand."

"And I already told you to _help_ me understand!" Leonardo raised his voice and took another step forward so that he was almost pressing against his brother's shell. "I'm getting real sick and tired of all this vague, too-difficult-to-explain crap. You're always fighting my orders whenever I want to retreat. What makes that any different than the stuff you're pulling every time we have an argument? We fight, we argue, we yell, and then you run off. Stop running away like a _coward_ and face your problems head on. _Talk_ to me, Raphael."

"And what the hell do you want us to talk about, huh?" He snapped, turning his body so they were face-to-face. "I said what I said and that's all there is to it. As vague as it sounds, that was the whole goddamn _point_! I don't _want_ you to understand what it is that's going on inside my head! Maybe if you weren't spending all your time kissing Master Splinter's ass, you'da figured it out a long-ass time ago."

"Raph—"

He backhanded Leonardo's wrist before he even had a chance to lay on finger on him. "Don't touch me! Don't you even come near me or I swear I won't hesitate to take out my _sai_ and beat the ever living shit out of you."

"Why are you making this so difficult?" Leonardo cried, his eyes darkening into a sea of misconceptions. "Why is it so hard for you to let other people know what you're feeling? Why is it so difficult for you to talk to your own _family_?"

Raphael bore his teeth, shoulders stiffening from the stressful weight they carried. "Maybe because it's family that's the root of this whole problem," he snarled. His hands twitched anxiously at the hilts of his _sai_, staring down Leonardo.

"You know we're all here for you, Raph," Leonardo tried to elucidate, holding out his hand as if handing Raphael a welcoming invitation. "We're your family. We would never hurt you. We all love you, Raphael. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"

"Don't say that," He growled, his teeth clenched so hard his gums started to hurt. "Don't you ever fucking say that again…."

"Say what? That we would never hurt you?"

"No! That … that you … love … me…." He shook his head vigorously – shook it until it rattled his brain. "I've known since we were kids that love is the most dangerous emotion anyone could ever allow themselves to feel. Anger, rage, depression, fear. None of it can even _compare_ to how much damage love can cause. Love is what divided Master Splinter and the Shredder and made them mortal enemies. Love is the reason Karai never grew up with her biological father or got to know her mother. Love can do terrible things, Leo…."

"But without it, there would be no hope," Leonardo pointed out. He couldn't help noticing Raphael's trembling hands. "You may think it brings out all this destruction and hopelessness, but when it comes down to it, you will always have the love of your family to guide you through whatever you're facing. You're never alone, Raphael. Master Splinter, Donnie, Mikey, April, Casey … me, we're all here for you."

"That's just it!" Raphael bellowed. "That's where the entire problem lies – within the family! I already told you earlier that you wouldn't understand. Trying to understand it … will only make things worse."

"Then what if I put in the effort?" Leonardo asked. "You know I would do anything for you and our brothers, right? What makes this any different than helping out Donnie or Mikey with their problems?"

Raphael sighed, his eyes flitting from the ground back into his brother's cool water eyes. "Do you … do you even understand what's going on?"

"Like I already said, I'm here for you no matter what. You're my brother – my family – and I will do whatever it takes for us to get through this together. _No matter what_. You just have to meet me halfway if we're ever going to get anywhere."

"It's not that simple, Leo." Raphael whispered, his head hanging low. With the tip of his finger, Leonardo raised his chin and forced him to look him in the eye. Seeing the warmth in his eyes, his smile, the strength of his presence... all of it made his heart flutter.

"Try me." Leonardo challenged.

"I don't know if I should…."

"The Raphael I know would never back out on a challenge."

"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into."

"I've put up with being the oldest and watching over you and Donnie and Mikey ever since we could walk. I think I can handle whatever you can dish out."

"Promise you won't get upset?"

"I'll try my very hardest to see the good in this whole situation."

"And what if you can't?"

"Well I guess we'll never know unless you open your mouth and say something."

"I just don't want this to … to change anything…."

"Baby steps, Raph," Leonardo chuckled. "Just let the words to come to you, even if they don't make sense. Talk to me. Help me understand what it is that's going on inside your head. Let me feel what you feel. Please. Just for this moment."

"I-I…" He couldn't stop shaking, his eyes flitting back and forth, focus laying solely on the ground. He tried to open his mouth, but the words just wouldn't come, feeling a sour distaste linger on the buds of his tongue. Noticing his discomfort, Leonardo tried to help, resting his palms on the tops of Raphael's shoulders, but the friction and jolt of skin grazing against skin made him recoil. He felt sick, his mind racing until he was dizzy, unsure of whether the room was spinning or whether it was just his body swaying back and forth.

He couldn't do this, couldn't face Leonardo with his insecurities jabbing away at him. He wouldn't understand. No matter how understanding he promised to be. Love brought nothing but destruction and unhappiness...

So he took a step back and forced the words out of his mouth. "I can't do this, Leo. I just … I-I can't."

"What? Why not?"

"Just trust me when I tell you … some things are just better left unsaid…."

"So that's what you're going to do?" Leo snarled. "You're just going to bottle up your emotions and brood?"

"It's for the best. You just wouldn't under—"

"No, I understand!" Leonardo yelled, stomping toward his brother until they were plastron-to-plastron, beaks almost touching. "I know exactly what it is you're going through and quite frankly, I think you're making a huge deal out of something completely stupid!"

"Leo—"

"No, I'm done with you trying to beat around the bush… So you have a thing for Karai – big deal! You're ashamed of it because it's perceived as taboo. Big freakin' whoop! Nothing to get all dramatic about."

"You…" He paused, flummoxed, and took a step back. "You think I have a thing … for Karai?" There were no words. Only silence. And it was suffocating. He let out a sputter of a chuckle, completely astonished. "Wow…. You … you've got it all completely backwards, Leo…."

"What do you mean?" Leonardo asked, folding his arms over his plastron. "If you weren't talking about having feelings for Karai then who else could you be refer—"

He stopped midsentence, eyes widening slowly in realization. Raphael could feel the tension thickening like the dense fog, his throat welding shut as he took cautious steps back away from his older brother. He could feel the sting of hot tears brimming his eyes, glassing them over before he shut them tight, his body shaking uncontrollably. Without another word, he turned his back abruptly, ready to lock himself in his room and never coming out.

This was why he kept his emotions bottled up.

This was why he never wanted Leo to know the truth….

Coming out of his stupor, Leonardo shook his head and held out his hand, willing himself to speak. "Raphael, wait—"

"There ain't nothing left to talk about Leo," Raphael growled. His voice sounded small, a shell of itself. "I'm done with this conversation…."

"Don't you dare walk out on me," Leonardo barked, his body finding its movements as he took a forceful step forward, eyes narrowed into dangerous slits aimed solely on the back of Raphael's shell. "Don't you dare throw up those shields and run away again. Running away never solves anything, Raph. Talking about the situation—"

"We already _talked_, Leo, what more do you want me to fuckin' say! That I love you? That I've had a crush on you since we were kids? That the fact that I have _feelings_ for my own goddamn _brother_ scared the ever-living shit out of me? So much that I thought I was fucking _psycho_! Is that what you wanna hear? _Huh_!" He shoved Leonardo hard against his plastron, the force of it all causing his older brother to stumble over his footing.

"Raph, stop it. I'm just … trying to understand—"

"Oh, really? Is that what you're doing?" Raphael sneered acidly, getting up close and personal every time Leo took a step back. "I already know I'm a sick bastard, Leo. You ain't gotta tell me twice—I've known for a goddamn while. But what about you? Where the hell do you stand in all of this, huh? You wanted to talk, so _talk_, dammit!"

"Raph, I—"

"_Talk_!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Leonardo screamed, the intensity of it all enough to shake the entire Lair awake, though the frustration painted on his face told Raphael he didn't give two shits.

Shoulders shaking, eyes glassy and filled to the brim with unshed tears, Leonardo took one final step back before he realized he had been backed into a wall. Plastron to plastron, the two brothers locked into a fierce stare down, both reluctant to break contact, though neither one of them wanted to be in the presence of the other for as long as they were alive. Their breath intermingled, warm and quick despite their quivering bodies. For a while, none of them spoke, unsure of what to say in a situations such as this; Leo's back against a wall, Raph hanging on to the last thread of virility he had left.

Although they grew up as brothers – knowing things about one another that normal siblings would've never realized – never did they feel so vulnerable in front of one another. Exposed. Naked. Like every wisp of their insecurities were lying flat out in front of the other.

It was the scariest thing either of them had ever faced….

Finding movement in his body, Raphael slowly but cautiously pulled himself away from Leo, the sudden draft of cool air gusting between them causing the two to shiver. Head lowered shamefully, Raphael pursed his lips but tried with all his might to pry them open, fighting for words but found they were more difficult to fish out than ever before.

He didn't want to look at Leo. Didn't want to see the look of betrayal eminent in his eyes….

So instead, he turned on his heels and left him alone, a harsh grunt escaping his lips until he finally found his words.

"Well then there you have it. Try finding the good in this situation now, Leo…."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note****: **Hey all! Sorry it's been a while. Been going through some things with friends and wedding planning, so my life has been all over the place. I just recently got into something with one of my friends last night and I've been trying to mend some broken ties with her. Finishing this chapter was not only great therapy but also kept me busy. A win-win!

It still amazes me how much praise this story is getting, especially for it being a T-cest fic. Thank you so much to my amazing reviewers: **leo0256**, **TheEquestrainidiot 2.0**, **EzraNee44**, **BubblyShell22**, **sav**, **August08**, **Who am I. Well. I'm just Me**, **Lexifer666**, **Novus Ordo Seclorum**, **Rainshadow999**, **D.****R.A.W**, **Hiveen**, **Reb**, **UnikittyGoesMeow**, **Pandalover3131**, **SewerSurfin**, **Sesshomarusama3**, and **flushed puppy 15**. You guys are all amazing and I can't thank you enough for all your kind reviews! *hugs*

I was a little more at ease writing this chapter, but to help me out with inspiration, I took notes from **LucyToo**'s fabulously angsty story, "Before the Fall". I highly recommend that story if you're willing to give some super light T-cest a read. :)

Alright, so without further adieu, here's the third chapter!

P.S. **TheIncredibleDancingBetty** and I are hosting the first annual Horror Competition over on Stealthy Stories. You don't have to be a member in order to join, but if you'd like to see what it's all about, pop on over and pay us a visit. We don't bite, I promise. ;) All the rules, qualifications, and dates can be seen on my profile, so if you're interested, give it a little looksie! XD

Enjoy!

* * *

"_I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily  
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make  
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts  
We got yeah we got a lot at stake" – _Jason Mraz, "I Won't Give Up

* * *

The caress of his pillow felt rough and unforgiving, a scrape against his cheek as he lied, belly flat in bed without any intentions of leaving his room.

Raphael had been awake well into the next morning, the bags under his eyes weighted and heavy, much like the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He deprived his body of any rest, his mind a mixing pot of conflicted emotions and unforgettable memories. Humiliation. Shame. Regret. They were all like hungry termites gnawing away at his self-conscious, the tiny little pricks of teeth like a prodding reminder of what had happened last night between him and Leo.

"Leo…" Oh God, even uttering his name brought the sickening presages of vomit up his throat. His eyes wound shut before Raphael smothered his face into his pillow, releasing a muffled, guttural scream. He hated this. Hated feeling so goddamn vulnerable and disgusted with himself that he grabbed hold of the pillow and chucked it across the room, fingers clawing and agitated with the need to tear something apart.

He curled, then uncurled, then curled his fingers again into tight, shaking fists. He folded his arms across his chest and then quickly unfolded them before he let out a growl and picked himself up from his mattress. Pacing. Pacing back and forth, hands fumbling and fingers twiddling. His teeth bore into a vicious snarl, eyes flitting every which way and that, trying to find something that needed to be destroyed. Something that would make a loud, satisfying crash when it connected with the floor. Or the wall. Or Leo's face.

_"…Let me feel what you feel…" _His brother's gentle words echoed tauntingly inside his head.

"Bastard!" Raphael croaked, the crack in his voice bringing forth aggravated tears. He stared, bleary-eyed at the array of family pictures pinned and stapled to his wall, zeroing in on the one where Leo took up most of the picture – Donnie and Mikey smiling happily at the camera way in the background.

"You have no _fucking_ idea what it is I'm feeling, Leo." He snarled, belting out his frustrations as if Leo was standing right there in front of him. "You wanna feel what I feel? You wanna go through all this sentimental bullshit so you can understand why I'm so pissed off all the damn time? You have _no_ idea what I'm going through … what I've _been _going through for the past I don't know how many years! You'll never understand, so stop sticking your nose into my damn business and leave me the hell alone!"

He jabbed the end of his _sai _straight into his brother's plastron. Whether it was by accident or on purpose, Raph didn't know. Nor did he really care. Maybe this was better, allowing him to release his anger on a picture of Leo rather than doing it face-to-face. Just being near him … God, Raph probably wouldn't be able to hold his ground for very long. Running up to the smug-faced bastard and jamming his _sai _straight down Leo's throat felt like fucking bliss right about now, feeling the satisfaction of causing internal pain to the one who screwed with his emotions ever since the other night.

The corners of Raph's lips lifted into an amused smile, one that quickly faded at the sound of knocking coming from his door. Before he even got the chance to respond, Mikey's muffled voice could be heard peeking through the crack in the doorframe.

"_Raph?" _He tested, taking the brief silence as a cue to invite himself in. The muscles in Raphael's arms stiffened with annoyance, but as was typical Mikey fashion, he didn't even give Raph a chance to speak before he leaned against the doorframe in a lackadaisical manner.

His shell barely rubbed against the metal frame, causing Raphael to wonder if his brother was still in a lot of pain from getting his shell knocked loose the other night. The upturned grin said otherwise, though Mikey was known to be very skilled in the art of masking his discomfort. Being the youngest, Raphael could see why Mikey would try to put on a brave face in front of him and his brothers, not wanting to seem like the weaker of the bunch just because he was smaller. However, there were times when Mikey used his pain as a way to gain pity, either that or to avoid their morning training sessions. According to Leo, he was already excused from training until further notice. So did that mean he was in his room so that he could obtain some sort of pity from him?

Well, he was certainly barking up the wrong tree right now….

"What do you want, Mike?" Raphael asked, the moment of silence grating on what little patience he had left.

"Well good morning to you too, sunshine," Mikey grinned. "Killer raccoon eyes. You paint those yourself, or was I totally not hallucinating last night when I thought I heard you and Leo arguing in the living room?"

That question alone was enough to make Raphael stop dead in his tracks. "You … you heard us arguing?" He straightened himself up, clearing his throat while his eyes shifted to the floor, unsure of whether he wanted to look Mikey in the face right now. "W-what … what did you hear…?"

Michelangelo threw his arms over his head while making an uncaring noise. "Eh, I kinda tuned you guys out and fell back asleep. The pain meds Donnie gave me were enough to knock an elephant out, so it wasn't hard drifting back off to dreamland. I was actually surprised you guys managed to wake me up."

"Oh. Well … good. I mean, not that we woke you up, but … y'know, that you, uh, managed to fall back asleep, er, whatever…." He rubbed the back of his neck while he stumbled over his words, eyes still focused solely on the ground. The silence between them sifted like a dense fog, suffocating Raphael in its cumbersome wake.

"You know it's not easy." Raphael snapped his attention toward his brother, his words catching him off guard with the serious tone they carried. "Watching you two argue. The more it happens … sometimes it gets harder and harder to just ignore you guys. Donnie and I used to let it pass over our heads – let you dudes lash out at each other and get it out of your system – because that's all Donnie thought it was. Just you two blowing off some steam. But now … it's like every little thing sets you two off. When was the last time you and Leo actually had a normal conversation? When was the last time you two could stay in the same room together without arguing? Can you even remember?"

"Why are you here, Mikey?" Raphael asked, his gaze slowly crawling up towards Mikey's face. It was a question that caught his younger brother off guard, stunning him into a brief silence until Raphael opened his mouth again, only this time sounding more forceful. "If you just came in here to lecture me 'bout how much Leo and I argue, then you can just get the hell out right now. Our business is our business. We don't need you or Donnie buttin' in throwin' us your two cents. We're big boys. We'll handle it ourselves."

"Actually, the reason why I'm here is because you're late," Mikey pointed out, pushing himself away from the doorframe. "We started training almost half an hour ago and Leo wanted me to come drag you outta bed so they could start."

Raphael snorted derisively, already making his way back to bed. "Tell Leo to go eat a dick. I'm skippin' out on training today."

"Suit yourself, bro," Mikey shrugged, poking his head out of the doorframe and shouting down the hall. "Hey, Leo! Raph said he's skipping out on training today unless you eat his dick!"

"_Mikey_!" Raphael shouted through clenched teeth. He couldn't remember a time when he moved as quickly as he did, his hands clamped forcefully over his baby brother's mouth as he stared down the hallway. Without any sudden movements coming from the dojo, Raphael released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding and shoved Mikey hard enough to where he nearly lost his footing. "The hell's the matter with you? Who _says _stuff like that?"

"Chill, bro, I was just playing around. Lighten up a little, will ya?" He shoved his brother playfully in the arm, despite the fact that Raphael looked as though he were about ready to charge after Mikey and rip his mouth off. Smile receding, Mikey reached out and lightly tapped Raphael's shoulder, tilting his head to get a better look at his face. "Sooo, you coming to training or what? April and Casey stayed the night, though Casey has been urged to take it easy, like me. We can watch Donnie make a fool out of himself around April, though. Won't that be fun?"

"I already told ya, Mike, I ain't going to training today," said Raphael, his attention now focused on his bed. To give his hands something to do, he straightened out the blanket on his bed and smoothed it over, reaching over to grab his pillow to adjust it, only to realize he had chucked it across the room not too long ago. Feeling a light tap on his shoulder, Raphael turned to see the pillow being handed to him by Mikey, but when he reached over and grabbed for it, he realized it wasn't Mikey standing right behind him.

It was Leo.

_Shit._

His eyes narrowed. His teeth bore. Muscles tensing from the sheer intensity of it all, Raphael quickly turned toward his brother without even giving him a chance to utter a single word. He raised his arm and pointed it straight out the door. "Get out."

The words stung like acid, but acting nonchalant, Leo glanced over his shoulder and gave Mikey a light smile. "Mikey, do you think you can give Raph and I a little privacy, please?"

"No!" Raphael growled, stepping into Leo's face. "I didn't tell Mikey to get out, I told _you_, Leo. Beat it. Get lost. Hit the road. You understand? I already made it clear I ain't comin' to training today and there ain't nothin' you can do to convince me otherwise. Now get the hell outta my room before I grab ya by your belt and kick you out myself! I wanna be left alone…."

"Raph, come on, bro," Mikey started, taking a few cautious steps towards Raphael. He immediately stopped once he noticed Leo glancing at him more sternly, his words sounding forceful and a little on-edge.

"Mikey, this doesn't concern you. This is something me and Raph have to settle ourselves, whether he likes it or not. Now can you please step outside while the two of us talk?"

"Don't listen to him, Mike," Raphael growled, his attention never leaving Leo's sight. "You stay right here. Don't let Leo boss you around just 'cuz he feels he has authority over you. He may act like he has everything all figured out and knows what's best for us, but in all honesty … he doesn't. He don't know shit…."

"Raphael. Stop." Leo urged through clenched teeth, his eyes a smoldering fire being contained through sheer force of meditation and calm breathing. Out of the four of them, Leo was always best at containing his anger and preventing himself from blowing up into uncontrollable hissy fits. Sure, there were moments when he raised his voice a time or two, but never in his life had Raphael seen Leo just completely explode on him – just burst into a field of flames licking away at his better judgment to rationalize order and remain the stable brother out of the four of them. In a way, Raphael almost wanted to push his brother to the breaking point; to cut that last hanging thread just to witness his 'perfect leader' stumble out of control in a blinding fury. All that confined space and disallowing himself to release his growing frustrations … it all seemed pretty damn unhealthy.

"Go tell Master Splinter I'll be at practice in a few," Leo ordered, his attention now pinned on Raph, even though his order was directed towards Mikey. "I just … want us to have a little talk for a moment."

The sincerity in his voice did not match the look on his face, though because Leo's carapace was facing Mikey's field of vision, he couldn't see the shadows that contoured his features like Raph could. The narrowed gaze. The stern frown. The tautness in his jaw that only matched the rigidness in his shoulders, so stiff and uncomfortable that it made Raph roll his own shoulders just to relieve the tension. Basking in the moment of silence, Mikey slowly nodded his head and slipped into the hallway, closing the door behind him while the shadow of darkness veiled the two brothers.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence….

"…Raph, I—"

"I ain't going to mornin' training, Leo," Raph interrupted, his head bowed and eyes focused on the floor. "You can piss and moan all ya want, but I ain't goin'. It's just … too…"

"Awkward?"

"You don't think so?" He lifted up his head. His expression seemed innocently lost, like a child separated from his parents at the marketplace.

"You have the power to steer a situation into any direction you want, Raphael. Don't let fear prevent you from doing so."

Raphael chuckled lightly. "Is that what you're doin', oh mighty Fearless Leader?"

"I'm not letting the repercussions of last night effect my daily routines," Leo admitted, his eyes narrowed and his tone serious. Like he really believed in what he was saying.

"Tch, typical. And you get on my ass for keeping things bottled up sometimes. Ya know that ain't healthy, Leo. Storing your anger in a sealed tight box and allowing it to fester."

"Oh, and allowing yourself to release it every chance you get is any better? I never said I was angry about last night, Raphael."

"Well ya sure weren't jumpin' for joy neither," Raph spat, his fingers curled into tight fists resting firmly against his sides. He shook his head hard, bringing his knuckles to his temples while his tired eyes wound shut. A weak groan passed through his lips. "Why the hell are you even here…?"

Leonardo tilted his head, expression lost. "Did you think I was just going to avoid you after all of this?"

"Woulda made things easier," Raph admitted, lowering one arm while the other still rested against his face, his hand brushing against his smooth, bald head. "I actually woulda preferred it, really."

"Raph, what … what kind of person do you think I am…?"

"I dunno, you tell me." He looked up at his brother and at that moment, he knew that was a grave mistake. His expression seemed hurt, wounded by measures that were purely emotional rather than physical. Raphael could knock a fist straight through Leo's teeth and he still wouldn't have looked as pained as he did standing right in front of him. To accuse his older brother of disowning him after the events of last night. It was like a proverbial stab at Leonardo's heart.

"…Have you figured it out yet?"

"What?"

"Have you figured it out yet?" Raph repeated. "How you feel about all of … this." He spread his arms across the space that separated the two of them, validating his point.

"I…" There was hesitation in Leo's voice, a growing pause that felt like little daggers prodding at Raphael's insides. The longer it dragged out, the more torturous it felt, like the silence of it all was slowly pulling Raphael into a forceful chokehold.

Wetting his lips, Leonardo finally spoke, the slightest bit of a stutter under-toning his words. "You … you've had all this time to figure things out, Raph. I can't just come up with an answer in a matter of days."

"Bullshit," Raphael snarled. "You think I got all my shit figured out? Don'tcha think I woulda been more accepting of all this if I had everything figured out? I kept it a secret for nearly half my life because I was ashamed of what I felt. I didn't figure shit and what I did figure out, I shunned it all away and never looked back."

"That is what I don't understand," Leo pointed out. "You have all these emotions, Raphael. All these feelings bottled up inside and you think its best just to allow them to collect? Your anger and lashing out towards others isn't because you have anger issues. It's your emotions trying to set themselves free all at once. You don't allow yourself time to breathe, Raphael. To tap into those feelings and give them a chance to reveal themselves to you so that you can understand them."

"And what the hell is there to understand, Leo?" Raphael snapped. "There's a reason why I don't let my emotions get the better of me. Because they _scare_ me. Yeah, that's right, ol' Raphie boy is afraid of his own feelings. Why? Because they're fucked up."

"Love is complicated," Leo swallowed down hard, finding his words. "_Relationships_ are complicated."

"And who the hell said I wanted a relationship, Leo?" Raphael asked darkly. The glow of the orange pumpkin porch light rimmed the dark circles underneath his eyes, contouring the shadows to make him look sinister and … threatening.

Leo hesitated for a bit, unsure of how to answer that question without seeming spiteful. Raphael could see the slight quiver in his shoulders, as if his older brother were trying to contain all that anger boiling beneath his skin. Emotions stored away, never to be revealed.

"So what exactly is all of this?" Leo growled through clenched teeth. "Are you just … looking to scratch an itch? This isn't anything sentimental, you're just feeding off of teenage hormones and unresolved lust? A quick fuck just to settle your needs…."

That word. The epitome of swears so dirty and foul, coming from a mouth too stained with honor and pride to let such extremities slip through. For years, Raphael had always made fun of Leo for never resulting to foul language whenever he was frustrated. But hearing him say it with all the edge and force behind his wounded heart, it was like driving the tip of his katana straight through the most sensitive part of his body. His soul.

_Just a quick fuck to settle your needs…._

No love. No bond. No emotional attachment, but just scratching an itch.

Meaningless.

"No…." Raphael's words were like a breath of a whisper. "I … that's not what I want. Leo … you're … you're not meaningless…."

"Then what _do _you want, Raphael?" His words were sharp. Quickly precision, like a steel-coated blade. "If the whole meaning behind all of this is just so you can get yourself laid, then I don't want any part of it! I'm not going to be the one who comes at your beckon call like some self-abasement … slut."

"Leo…" He took one step forward, hand held out with intentions to grab hold of his brother. To pull him in and just … hold him. Let him know how important he was not only to him but to anyone who crossed his path. All without uttering a single word. Because actions really did speak louder than words, and no amount of words were ever going to compare to how much he care for Leonardo. How much he loved him – despite all the hurtful things he said and how often he pushed him away. He loved him, and just wished he had the courage to show him that….

"Please don't give up on me…" Raphael whispered, his voice sounding small and uncontrollably shaky. "I … I never say it enough, but … I need you, Leo. You're the glue that holds this team together and the frontrunner that keeps us all in check. I know I do everything in my power to go against your orders, but … but the truth is … I'd be lost without you."

He tried not to focus too hard on the expression of Leonardo's face, only because his brother was a master at controlling his emotions through his facial expressions. He was a terrible liar at times, but when the situation called for it, Leo had a pretty damn good poker face.

"If you were paying attention, I already said my answer."

Raphael immediately looked up, eyes filled with wonder at his brother's light smile. Turning his back on Raph, Leo headed towards the door and opened it, standing in the middle of the doorway like he was waiting for Raphael to put the pieces together.

"About where I stand in all of this. If you were paying attention, I pretty much told you my answer. I said if this was nothing more than just you getting laid, I wanted no part of it. But it isn't. I can see it in your eyes that what lies beneath your feelings is something more than just teenage hormones, Raph. You may not understand them yet, but there's something … genuine about what your heart is trying to tell you. You just gotta take the time to listen."

"So," he paused, shaking his head slightly. "So what does that mean? Are you—"

"Master Splinter's waiting on me," his eyes glinted in the smallest of twinkles; that smile never fading his face. "On us. Perhaps after training, we can discuss this a little bit more. That is, if you're not afraid to opening up."

Butterflies. In all the cheesy soap operas and all the mushy romance films Raphael has seen in his life – usually against his will – there was always mentions of feeling like you had butterflies in your stomach around the person you were crushing on. Or in love with. For Raph, he thought it was all bullshit, but when Leonardo looked his way – that mirthful smile tugging at the corners of his lips – it was like friggin' springtime blossomed at the pit of his stomach.

Absentmindedly, he rested a hand against his belly, watching Leo slip out of his room, his eyes shining bright like the ocean blue on a warm summer's evening. It took his breath away, sending shivers all across his spine up to his neck. But what Leo said before he ducked out was enough to make Raphael feel just as dorky as those lovestruck girls in all those soap operas and mush romance films.

"I never give up easily, Raph. So what makes you think I'll ever give up on you?"


End file.
